Today I've cried and the hurt I feel is rising to the surface, yes it hurts like hell. I thought I was the worse at a broken heart, and it's so embarrassing to admit it. These are the times that I've looked the craziest and I wholeheartedly admit that I'm soft when it comes to my heart and someone realized it. Don't get me wrong, I know that nothing lasts forever, but then again maybe it can--I just haven't met him. I am a bit picky because I know that it's going to have to be a Creator send, and every time I tried it was a send by something else and I understand why it hurt so bad.
The burden has followed me, and I tried to explain it to friends, associates sometimes and sometimes I just pure wanted a shoulder to cry on and it wasn't there. The hurt just followed me everywhere I went. If I was ducking some nonsense I was nursing the broken heart that I kept getting as I tried to live my life. I remember being that young woman in 1987 so eager to catch up to my paternal family of educators because that was all I could do to show them love because everyone always talked to me funny. I'm crying as I write this, because no one can understand what I feel. I find myself asking God am I joke? I look through my phone for comfort, and two years have passed as I have questioned everything and lost and gained and lost and regained my faith in humanity.
I am a victim of Human Trafficking, and while I claim God's glory over my situation and I know that that is where my comfort comes from--I still feel vulnerable, and the trust issues I thought I had are nothing like what I feel these days. I always pray, but now I'm always asking for mercy because these individuals threaten me, they send me nasty messages and they basically tell me that I don't belong and that's scary.
There are so many different stories in the world these days, why my story? Why am I having issues with my identity? These are scary factors and it's happening right here in the United States. Cybercrime. I have been stalked and I am still followed and I'm in another state. My situation is so ridiculous that I'm not sure who to trust. They even had me listed as deceased, and that's even more hurtful. I'm alive and full of dreams, still.
One thing I know for sure, I am grateful. I can't explain how I have felt over the years. When I'd slow down and pay attention to someone, it was the always the wrong one and it hurt. I was labeled as Lilith, and assaulted my entire life just because I'm a woman. Marriages fall apart everyday, and there was no reason for them to do this to me. In the midst of the wrong, I still have love and forgiveness doesn't mean, that I have to agree with being hurt.
We all have choice, and it's up to us to exercise choice in all things--even greed.
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