This experience has taught me lessons about the nature of people and greed, but this lesson is full of family hurt. Hurts that I have forgiven, but haven't forgotten about and past wrongs that have been committed. I'd like to talk about forgiveness to those who participated with my family in these negative endeavors. I believe that wrong is wrong, and I cannot condone crimes against humanity. I also cannot accept not having any justice for those who have been snagged in the crossfire of greed, deception and fabrications.
I'd like to talk about why I have never mentioned my family in previous friendships, and why I disregarded their existence in the first place. It's as simple as this--it is a burden and a sadness in explaining to anyone how you have been treated by your family. I've shared in the past how I was trafficked to NY, but what I haven't shared is the shame of being continually put outdoors without any reason and how it made me feel. Ashamed. I was already this shy abused little girl inside who had been bullied pretty much during my entire school years, and I didn't come to NY to explain why my family didn't like me. I felt like, if people knew about my family's treatment of me--they would constantly dig at me to see what was wrong with me. It felt like a stigma, like mental illness where someone constantly picks at the sore. I didn't want that. I knew that I didn't do anything to them, so I blocked them out and set out to create my life. The life that I wanted and the life that I could create.
After arriving in NY, and moving place to place for a few months, eventually I was accepted into Columbia and I immersed myself in that life. I traveled back to Queens once or twice in good faith, and to show that I was okay--but they never looked me up. My mother's phone number never changed, and they were living their lives, as I was mine. There were tell tell signs that they were sneaky, and they actually isolated themselves from me, or so I thought. I didn't even know that certain family members visited NY frequently, and when my grandmother would visit from North Carolina--no one ever told me or my mother. The resentment that I felt from them was intense, especially after I began school.
I always knew bits of information about them, but I would have never exploited them or meddled in their affairs. However, they were meddling in mine. My paternal family weren't the type to travel to NY much. I called my father during my third semester in school because we had not been speaking, and he drove three days to see my face; stayed one night when I lived on 30th Street, and left the next morning. That's one of the experiences that touched me, and I'll never forget. He hates New York, and the traffic is maddening to him.
So you see, I was being a big girl carrying own weight and burdens. How was I to know that they were in actuality, hustling my life? When I was around them, they'd make comments that hurt my feelings and that wasn't new. It had always been that way. So when the developments of these series of events began to unfold, I was none the wiser. I did not socialize with them, and those that befriended in the name of church were my attempts to stay connected with some of my paternal family relations and what I thought that I was supposed to do.
I knew of situations on my maternal families side, but I did not know anything about my paternal family except that the Black Baptist Church was at the center of everything. I did not understand the politics of that particular arena because I had been disconnected for many years, however, I did visit occasionally, and I tried to visit more after my grandmother's death when I finally met one of my cousins, since we are close in age.
My point is that, I recognize that they became trolls in my life. It wouldn't matter if I fell down one time, or ten times because they would say I fell down one hundred times--there has always been a disconnect. There has always been descention, and I accepted this a long time ago, however, what about the people who have involved themselves by jumping on this wagon of greed? What becomes of that? How do I handle that part? I know who my family is, but how I handle the incidents have taken place where they threaten me with entrapment? Clearly my associates where not sincere, and I know who my family is. I know about the games they play; I know they're not fair in their dealings with me, so what do I do about those who are accountable for their own actions?
I didn't tell them to believe in my family's nonsense; I didn't connect them with my family, and they continually exploited me for greedy gain, which means they took away my choices. I have been investigated for almost two years for absolutely no reason. I was robbed of my rights, when I went to the DA's office in Brooklyn, and the precinct acted as if their hands were tied when clearly there was an issue. Why? Because once I published my first novel, someone decided that they wanted my work.
What am I supposed to do, walk away from my life because my family is hateful of me? In a way I'm shocked that they have gone to such lengths to destroy my happiness--they've always had each other, and I'm fine with that. I was and am the type to obtain my own wealth, rather than wait around for my parents to transition. I wanted to and have been working towards my goals all of these years to give back. I do not owe anyone anything, anyway. My parents weren't held financially responsible for their parents, so all of this greed is an eye opener.
What bothers me, are the deaths and the people who are involved by associations and organizations, and do not have any personal business with me or any right to violate my life. They just do not have that right, at all. I understand that these are serious financial and criminal crimes, but have they thought about the nasty entrapment that has resulted in a huge crime against humanity?
I don't know if they really understand that I live this life by faith, and true concern for my fellow women and men. I do not like violence, so why would I accept the deaths of the human beings who have fallen victim to these crimes? Especially since I have been poisoned myself, so what do they expect me to do? I mean honestly, are they so unaccountable in their day-to-day existence to the point that that is their norm? Because I'm devastated. I have to feel threatened by the company that they keep, even after getting away from the pawns that they sent. Clearly they had to see the disconnect many years ago, but they're that greedy and that adamant about committing wrongs to innocent human beings.
They have forced me to have to make hard and painful decisions, and I have to stand by the convictions that have made Alicia the woman she wanted to become. This huge act of self love isn't about them, and it shouldn't be about them--it's about me and honoring who I have become as a human being. All life is valuable, and we make choices about what we do to others, however, I should not be choosing silence to cover up deaths for fear of my own life. The whole issue is that no one has the right to inflict pain on another human being, let alone take their life.
Several women in my family have the story of being sexual lyrics assaulted; something was slipped on them; tragedies with living life, yet I am to be singled out. The beliefs of witchcraft and voodoo--potions and roots. Poison. These fabrications of black out drunks that have happened in ways that I can explain, and now I will do that. I will recall all instances, if necessary. I have been a sober woman for the majority of my life, and I've noticed that pretty much all of the mishaps are known by either family, or the ones that they've sent. I am refusing to allow them to cover up murders, at my expense. I have been a responsible working human being since I was 12 years old. I cannot allow their character assassinations to prevent me from living the life that I know I deserve.
I cannot be responsible for their choice to carry out crimes against me in the name of family, and I pay for their debt with the Creator. Because that's what it will be, and I cannot afford to be that quiet skinny girl who was bullied the majority of her life. But again, the issue is there are people involved that were so saturated with a blueprint of me, that they didn't even give me a fair chance by saying anything about what they knew. They trolled my life whispering behind my back, as they methodically planned my demise behind my back.
There were always signs of the whispering, but I come from whispers. The associates who my family members used are responsible for their own actions, and I do have compassion for them because they were used; however, in witnessing and trolling my journey, at some point they had to have a moment of clarity. At some point, they should have taken a minute to wonder what was really going on? Now, I am sent messages about private sadnesses that I refuse to be hostage to. As I've mentioned before, yes I am guilty of treating community members like human beings. I cannot always help what the outcomes are, which is why I do have a habit of staying to myself. I'd rather spend my time being productive.
These people want damage my life with threats of associations with community members who actually do their dirty work. What is sad is that, many of these associations brought events that I did not like and I removed myself. They are attempting to use these situations against me, as if they justify a secret life. I have been a New Yorker for 27 productive years, yet they are stuck in about 5-10 unfortunate events? I refuse to be hostage to their entrapment tactics, and their collective hostile take over. That is what this is, so if I have to share these unfortunate events in order for justice--I will.
They send me dirty sexual clips, and the ones who approached me to create these unconventional nasty perceptions about me are a direct link to the ensnarers. I was forced to file paperwork at the precinct because these events were so far from who I am. Yes, I am naive in regard to the lifestyles of some people, and in all honesty, I was feeling so displaced and misused that I almost fell for their low frequency behaviors. I know my own personal history, and I am not going to allow their nasty plan to become my truth.
One truth is that I couldn't get a helping hand because of the hand outs. My community failed me, this is a truth. I couldn't get the relief that I was entitled to as a law abiding citizen. I was continually backed into corners that were created by those in power. I have not even received the Unemployment Benefits that I am entitled to, yet I know facts about those who receive government subsidies to fund luxurious lifestyles at the expense of my tax dollars. Yes, I suppose they would threaten me with disrespectful videos that are proof of the invasion of my privacy and my well-being.
Forgiveness is always in order, yet forgiveness is difficult. Recently, I have been poisoned, again. Is it really forgiveness that will arrest this attack on my life, and will forgiveness stop the emotional, physical, financial and psychological damage that I will have to heal from? These are only a few of the questions that I would pose to these individuals who have attempted to do me bodily harm, and have succeeded in doing my life harm. How would they remedy an attack on their life? Would they walk away, or would they use their hostile resources to fight back?
I do not have any aggressive resources because I am a nonviolent woman, and I do not believe in physical force to attain my rights as a human being and I shouldn't have to. So, I share this journey and disregard for my life with those who are genuinely concerned about our society and what happens to its citizens. I thank everyone who has shown concern, and I am grateful, because unless I met with others who will not tolerate bullying in all forms--I may have succumbed to extreme sadness. I am outnumbered in this terrible challenge, but I am on solid footing with others who share the bond of the human spirit. What I can't do alone, I will rely on those who care as much about Human Rights and the world we live in, as much as I do.
I do forgive, but my forgiveness hasn't returned my Human Rights or my Constitutional Rights-- only our Justice System can do that.
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