The Choice of Being a Mother

I'm in the midst of this journey, at a point where the curve isn't one that I created. The thing about this curve is that it's so full of hate that it stumps me. My insides hurt, my eyes fill with water for reasons beyond my control and I'm forced to speak up and speak out in the hope that it will help someone. I understand that we only play a part in out lives, we plan as best as we can and the rest is left up to the Creator. I understand that I am NOT in control. I get that. But what I'm having a difficult time with, is the idea that HATE is a living entity.

My disgust is not that the bad has happened to me. I can live with the fact that I will never have a child of my own. this isn't my biggest issue because I know that the actions of others are out of my control. I can't regret taking a stand at 33 years old against a violation to my body and choices. My love for him was not conditional, but I had a right to say, "No, not now." I stand on my decision to say to him, he had no right to remove a contraceptive on purpose for the sole purpose to violate my choice. I had a right to hold him to the values that I live by. It's called respect and sharing.

I forgave him for that, even though he left me afterwards. Even though he never went to the doctor with me, even though he abandoned me and I saw him maybe twice after that, I said, "No." But how do I forgive him for ruining any future happiness I could have had with someone else? How do I get past HIS hate and move on with my life, while I am displaced and unable to regain MY normalcy for my life. How do I get past his animosity, while my life is still upside down and I have nothing to fight back with?

God knows I deserve my solid ground under my feet. God knows my hurt and disappointment. I dated people who knew of his smearing and dated me anyway under false pretense.

When did, all of a sudden, my credibility that I've earned become a series of fabrications? There is no reason for me to pretend about this. Hate is collective, the same way that good is collective. The problem is, I am a woman. There are people in the world that absolutely can not stand to lose, and they envision everything as a win or lose. I understand that.

My issue is that, I've lost before and this definitely isn't the last time I will lose something. I've lost my chance at motherhood, and it's okay. There's nothing I can do about this. I have been severely attacked by the "Boy's Club" and it happens, but to regain my normalcy is my human right and not a privilege that is only for some.

I accept that the childhood bully club just doesn't want to let go, but to hurt me again is insanity. My growth process hasn't been easy, at all. However, I can't be the only one who had lived through severe opposition and I believe that any successful person had experienced that day when the work paid off and the meanness of others comes out, but I'm a woman of color and I just can't get past the differences because it's there.

When the hate was filtering down the pipe, NO ONE said, "ummm, do you know this or that or that or this?" No matter how I treated THEM. No matter how I was a friend or how I loved them. They sat on a false pretense to use against my destiny. The feeling of having someone else's destiny in their hands is what gives power to some.

Dropping little clues can't solve the problem when the problem is a lie. How? If someone would have asked me if I was a prostitute, and told me why I might have had a chance. I built relationships, but the looks and the notion of a carefree WOC is still a threat to society. What's sad is that I'm an introvert who appreciates people and simplicity. If men could get over wanting to sleep with me, if women could get over my appearance and if people looked at attractive smart women they way they look at men, how much better the world might be.

Again, I can't regret not having this man's child when it just wasn't right. It wasn't. The shock of his invasion of my world is horrific, especially since he had like 6 children. Why ruin MY life? Why play GOD in my world? You have your own. For my critics who have no idea what being me is like, I have to eat that.

I'm AM an introvert, and the violation of my privacy and my human rights has been painful. It's been a nasty game with my life. There was no criminal activity, you watched a challenged woman work a complex puzzle without the pieces. I didn't buy the game. The game is full of lies and hate by people I haven't seen in over 28 years. Lies by a man I said no to, and lies by men who wanted to dangle their status in my face to convince me to be their pleasure.

I still believe in love, truth and choice. I believe in Karma and I KNOW that the truth will always surface.



Peace